It never fails.
I always set expectations for myself way too high.
Then I end up letting myself down. I get stuck in my thoughts and my esteem digs deeper and deeper into a world of negativity.
Why do I repeatedly do this?
I look for my worth in every other thing.. when I should really be turning to God for it.
I need to remind myself daily that I am a child of God and truly with Him—- anything is possible.
A day where I can believe in myself and not always put myself down. That exists somewhere… I just have to lean on God.
See the problem is, I know the solution (to rely on God always).. but the issue with that solution is I always disregard what I know to be true. I push the truth in the back of my head in a small corner and tell myself I’ll come back to it. Only by the time I finally step back to the reality of what I know is true— it’s nearly too late and damage has been done.
Thankfully though, I serve a God who is forgiving and infinitely extends me grace when I deserve the complete opposite. I will forever be grateful for the debt Christ paid for me on the cross. I will forever love Jesus for dying for my awful sins.
But love is not just something you say. Love is a verb. In order to fully love Christ and live like I do; I need to repent for what I’ve done. I need to change the way I think and act— because as my pastor Corey always says— “Our lives should compliment Christ”.
So once again, I’ve stepped back to the reality of this truth. I’m learning as I go about the life I need to be living for Christ. When we truly learn something though—- we use that knowledge gained to better others and not just ourselves. If I’m being honest with myself—- I don’t fully live for others like I should. And as shameful as it is to admit that; it’s the truth. I know I’m not the only one who does it, but sometimes it feels that way when I get stuck in my own thoughts.
The point? My relationship with God is the most important thing. But it’s the one relationship in my life I focus the least amount of time on. I have no true excuses; because if I believe in God with all my heart, I should be living like it too. There are days that I read my bible, but not enough of them. I try to pray as much as I think about it, but I always end up forgetting or being too tired, or making up some ridiculous excuse about doing it later.
I am not promised tomorrow, or the next five years, or even the rest of today. Any moment my life could be gone. And I would h a t e if I wasted the only life God gave me on this earth spending it to only better myself and not others. I would h a t e if I didn’t focus majority of my time on God.
I need accountability.
I need community.
I need to reevaluate my priorities.
I need to stop saying what I need to do—and do it.
Living a Christian life is the hardest thing, but is undoubtedly worth it. As the worldly part of me wants to give in to what society thinks is acceptable; the Godly part of me is screaming to be better and set myself apart from this world. I have to listen to the Godly part of me. Because if I don’t, I will waste my time here on earth.